decisions

(please excuse the crappy spelling errors.)


So lately I've been thinking.  Do I really want the world to end?

Now before anyone gets in a huff I've never had much of a life or care for existence.  The whole ordeal has probably desensitised me a little too much.  I mean 5 years ago if the world was coming to an end in fire, ice, devine punishment, human stupidity, evolution, zombies, cthulu, or any other way I'd be all aboard no questions asked.  "Oh all your friends and loved ones would be dead." I used to always hear, but it didn't matter to me.  I mean yeah I'd be sad but for the moments leading up to death humanity would lose all restraints.  In the event I servived any form of apocolypse I'd give it to the opinion that the gods hate me and love to watch me squrm.  In the event of zombies I could kill any family or friend I've made once they've turned, or earlier if asked (sorry guys but most of you'd want me to anyways so...) Yes I might shed a few tears  but only when I could aford to.  I wanted to watch the world burn and didn't care if I burned with it.  It continued through high school.

But now that I have too much time left to myself I've began thinking and voiceing my opinions.  I spoke this desire to my lovely bride-to-be (at some undetermined time roughly 5 years from now) and she looked at me horrified.  The entire time we've been together I dreaded this moment.  I didn't tell her how I wanted her to be safe just that I hope this year is the last.  Truth be told I don't want anyone I've grown close to like her, most of my friends, and some of my family to see me when the world goes south.  I'll want to kill and lootto just cut loose and have revenge against people who I may never see again or anyone else who crosses me.  She said one simple thing.  "If the world ends we can't get married."

Now I beleive in an after-life but I'm not making it to the nice comfey heaven.  It's hell or purgatory at best for me.  Some friend I may see expesually if a certain someone is right about me...but that would mean hell is my best bet then.  I want to marry this girl.  I want to spend every waking day with her, to be by her side through the rest of this life and possibly in the next with her.  but more then anything I want her to be happy.  and dispite what my family has been saying for the past few months I love her and I don't care if THEY hate me for it.  I've looked for people who understand me and gods damn it I've found them.  I may rarely see them but I have round them.  And against all odds I found a person who can more than tollerate me I found a girl who could love me. all of my bad luck throughout life can't compare to that one stroke of magnificent luck that got me to her.

So now I'm stuck at a cross-road again.  Looking back on my past choices I don't know how "well" my choice will turn out.  But I just don't know which to take.  If the world ends I, one person have no way to protect others...unless it's zombies then I'm going to have fun letting loose and helping anyone who I come across I like.  Her or the end of all things...which do I want more...